April 21

I was supposed to go to the store today to pick up a few things.  But, well, it started raining this morning.

I wound up buying the things I needed online instead.


It looks like migraines and depression won another battle again today.

That Ever Present Shadow

I've been pretty good since a young age, at keeping my emotions in check.  I've had to be that way, and I've been singled out too many times when I didn't do so.  Anger has never really been a problem as I was lucky enough to have inherited my father's patience.  My issue has always been sadness, loneliness and worthlessness.  So many times guilt comes along with that.  I try to hide these feelings away so that I don't have to deal with them but inevitably, they make their way to the top again.  Its always bound to happen.

And now I found out after talking to one of my numerous doctors(my psychiatrist) this morning that at least two of my medications (I take 5 different ones regularly, 7 if you count the two I take when the migraines get really bad) are adding to the depression.  To tell you the truth, it sounds like just my luck.  I keep smacking into brick walls my whole body is metaphorically bruised.

Right, Okay,

You know, I started this blog so I would have a place to put all my random little thoughts out in the world.  That I could share my little brand of weird if anyone wanted to check it out.

...and then my head and anxiety got in the way again.

*sigh*

So lets try this again.

I'm just going to try to not over think it too much.  But I'm not going to post about all the dark stuff (especially political) that has been going on all around us unless there is no other choice.  I'm going to say one thing here right now.

You want to know who I voted for?  In the primaries I voted for Bernie Sanders.  I am usually an Independent but because of the state that I live in I had to change my party so I could vote for him to Democrat.  I'm really an Independent, though.  I support the ONE Campaign, (Product)RED (when I have the money to purchase the items that is.), No DAPL, etc, so you can guess who I voted for last November.  I'm not going to lie, I still wish Bernie had been on the ballot, but he wasn't.

Anyway, that's the last about politics I'm going to say here unless I don't have a choice.  I want this to be a place where people can go to have a smile put on their face, even if it might be at my expense.

So, in light of that, here's a story of my "stellar" gracefulness:

A few years ago, around Christmas, my mom and I were at the supermarket.  Now, my balance was ok before I got sick, but because of the meds I take, sometimes I lose it a little because it messes up my equilibrium.

 So we are standing towards the end of an aisle looking at our list. I feel my balance going so I step backwards to catch myself and wind up stepping back into a tower made of canisters of fried onions.
Yup, all of them were suddenly all over the floor behind me; like, 40 of them. I thought things like that only happened in sitcoms!  My mom was standing there shaking her head and there's me with the grocery worker re-stacking cans all the time with me saying "sorry," and trying not to turn red.

At least I didn't break something this time!

New Years

At the beginning of every year, we're always making resolutions only to forget about them by the time February roles around.  

So this year, I have decided that instead I am going to just do better; to be better.  None of us in the world are perfect and we can always do something to improve ourselves in one way or another, but so often we put these stipulations on ourselves that we then find we can never live up to.

So you know, instead, just strive to do better.  At least that's what I'm going to do for 2017.

A Christmas Post from me

I know I haven't posted in a while.

The thing is, I want these blogs to be a place of light, or at least a place where there is mostly positivity and frankly, I haven't been feeling to positive lately.  I need to find a new neurologist because after seeing the current one for almost two years he still has no idea who I am or what my condition is (and I have to remind him every time I see him). Friends from the past have moved on, and I honestly don't blame them in the slightest.  My life was essentially put on hold when I was 29 years old, while theirs continued to go on.  I may still be aging, but I'm stuck in a kind of limbo.  It is always frustrating when I can't plan for things when I don't know how I'm going to feel ahead of time.
Anyway the person I get most annoyed and frustrated with is myself.  That doesn't do my mood any good.  So I haven't been very talkative.  And well, the holidays haven't always been the best (my dad died 30 years ago this year on the 23rd.  Last year I had a spinal tap a few days after Christmas and wound up with a low pressure headache and couldn't sit up until well into January.  So those are just two examples.).  I try to have that feeling, but sometimes it seems like the harder I do, the less it comes.

But I am incredibly lucky.  Something happened a few weeks ago, and I feel the need to share it because it helps explain just how lucky I actually am.  I went with my sister and brother in law down to the Christmas Village they had set up in the city (around city hall this year, which was actually a great location.).  While we were walking around, a man stopped me and was asking me to donate to this children's charity.  When I said to him, "I'm sorry, I wish I could, but I'm on disability; I can't afford it." he looked at me like he didn't quite believe me, but still left me with a "Well, God bless you and have a Merry Christmas."

I felt a little like Scrooge from A Christmas Carol.  But, its the truth that I can't afford to help, and I don't blame him one bit if he didn't believe me, because looking down at my boots, clothes, and LL Bean wool coat, I probably wouldn't have believed me either.  But the thing is, all those things? My mom bought them for me.  If she hadn't, I'd be wearing clothes from when I was 100 lbs. heavier, I don't even remember what the coat looked like that I wore when I was that heavy, but it wasn't in great shape anymore, and shoes with holes in them.  Not to mention that I don't get enough to live on, so I would be living on the streets myself if it wasn't for my family.  For the approximately six months between when I had to leave my job and before I was approved for social security I didn't have any insurance, so my mom (and then at one point posthumously my stepdad)  paid my medical bills.

So I owe everything to my mom and my family.  I wouldn't be anywhere without them, and especially her.

So it's Halloween

I live in a quiet neighborhood, so there isn't going be much going on.  There aren't any kids that live on our street (well, there is one family, but they don't Trick or Treat on our street, they go somewhere else.  If I would hazard a guess I would say a few blocks down where the families are younger. I say "blocks" but we don't really have blocks, just long streets and then streets that come off of them where some go to cul-de-sacs. We also don't have sidewalks. A few blocks down they do have sidewalks.  I'm telling you, where I live can be a little weird. So....yeah...)

I celebrated on Saturday at my sister's annual Halloween party.  It was cool, except for the fact that I felt like death warmed over on Sunday.  Ok, reading that sentence back that is kinda funny...other than it didn't feel funny.  I can't even drink alcohol, so I couldn't blame a hangover.  Nope, just my normal migraines and cat allergies.

So, I just wanted to let anyone reading this know:  I wish I was one of those people who could go out and have a great social life; do things like Quizzo or clubs (and why isn't Team Pictionary/Win, Lose or Draw more popular than it actually is???), but I never really know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next.  How bad my head is going to hurt, how worn out my meds are going to make me, etc.  So these blogs I have are really my only connection to everyone in the outside world.

October 19th

You know, I thought this blog was going to be much easier than my other one.  I mean, I literally have a document program up for the U2 blog and write each entry there before I post it.

Thing is, sometimes, I'm still my own worst enemy.  as much as I try not to, I still second guess myself all the time.  This blog is one of the ways in which I'm trying to combat that; where I'm trying to just let myself go and just let things out.

I'm trying.